September 11, 2001

Just wanted to share my experience at last night's vesper service, if I can. It is almost impossible to describe the level of emotion present there in words.

The service began with our music director playing softly on the piano. I was seated with my Mom and Greg (kids were downstairs). It was a hushed silence.

The service was lead by our two co-ministers, Mark & Donna Morrison-Reed. Donna began speaking about how we have been 'bombarded' by words, pictures, video clips...I thought what an appropriate word....bombarded.

Moments after she began speaking, the tears began to roll down my cheeks and my throat constricted. I couldn't stop myself. Unfortunately for me, with this HHT thing that I have, when I get emotional, it can bring on a nosebleed. And it did. I had to leave the service. But the good thing is that it wasn't a bad one and I was gone for under 10 minutes.

During the singing of one hymn, I nearly lost it again, but I mustered all my strength and kept a very tight control of myself.

The next part of the service was the lighting of the chalice and then the lighting of candles. Everyone was invited to come up and light a candle and place it in the chalice and if they wanted to they could say why there were lighting it.

I waited...waited....could I keep enough control to do it....Everyone was saying why....One woman lit her candle and then spoke..."I am lighting this candle for my daughter's friend who perished in the World Trade Centre". There were moans and tears and hugs. It was so incredibly sad. Mark, the co-minister was sitting. he broke into tears...one woman went up and sat with him with her arm around him while he cried...sobbed...

I still waited. Almost everyone was lighting candles. They lined up waiting their turn. Could I do it? It was almost the end of the line. I had to. My Mom had been one of the first. My husband hadn't gotten up yet.

I had to.

I took a deep breath and stood up and joined the end of the line. I just kept breathing and talking to myself while I waited. I couldn't let the tears come or the emotions explode or it might start the bleed again....I wouldn't let it.

It was my turn, Donna passed me my candle...I took it...I lit it from the centre flame of the chalice and turned to the microphone....deep breath... I spoke " I light this candle for all of my very special American friends in their time of despair and rage. And for the survivors, those still alive under the rubble....You will be found".

I placed my candle in the chalice and as I did so, I said a silent prayer of hope for all of us. I felt the tears well up again and pushed them back. Then I sat down.

Donna blessed the candles in the chalice and all the candles we held in our hearts. We then sang from the hymn book and I can't remember all the words, but the important phrase was I will not give up until love is returned...(2nd verse....until joy is returned) (3rd verse...until peace is returned) As we sang everyone joined hands....along the rows, across the aisles and then we instinctively moved and formed a circle. Holding hands, swaying, singing.

It was so incredibly emotional......I just can't describe it to you.

The service was over, we filed out...people hugging and crying. We greeted the ministers, got the kids and went home, stopping at McDonalds on the way because none of us, especially the kids, had not eaten dinner yet.

I was so exhausted, that after I did what I had to for the kids: hair wash, homework, bedtime, I didn't have any energy to go on the computer to write this. So I am writing it the day after and I still have tears just writing it.

I went to bed at 10:00 pm to sleep the sleep of oblivion.

Yet I still wake to reality..................

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