April 21, 2002

I grew up in a Dutch immigrant family that went to church every Sunday. Faith was, and still is, an important part of my family's identity. The denomination they attend is the Reformed Church of America. It follows the Heidelberg Catechism and the teachings of John Calvin, someone who burned early Unitarians at the stake.

That church was a large extended family for me. I loved going to church every Sunday, sitting between my Grandparents, eating peppermints and of course, singing, both hymns and in the church choir.

Then I reached puberty. My safe, comfortable world fell apart. Suddenly I was having feelings that went against everything I was taught and believed was right. I was filled with shame. I saw no future. I prayed almost every night for this "test of my faith" to end. For me to be "normal". But no matter how hard I prayed, or tried to deny my feelings, they remained. For 10 years I struggled with this demon.

At 20, even before I had met another gay person, I was discovered. The shame caused an emotional breakdown and a couple years later there was a suicide attempt. Eventually I lost my faith, the church I had grown up in, singing, both hymns and the church choir, the trust of my family, and my trust in them.

Later I tried several liberal Christian denominations but they all just seemed like watered down versions of what I grown up believing in so I gave up trying. As for singing, I'd only ever done it in church. The rest was for professionals.

I discovered Unitarian Universalism by accident. 3 years ago my former partner was hired as the musical director by Capital Unitarian Universalist Congregation in Victoria B.C.. One Sunday morning we trotted off to our first service where he was to be introduced to the congregation. I went along simply for support thinking singing a few hymns wouldn't hurt. I expected to quietly hang in the shadows, to just be there for him but instead I experienced a warm, loving and fully accepting community. In addition I found a home for the religious yearning I had long suppressed. Every Sunday I was moved and felt challenged in my life, in positive, affirming ways. When I moved back to Toronto 2 years ago I started coming here immediately.

While walking up Church Street one Pride Day I came across Singing Out. They were indeed Singing Out on one of the outdoor stages with smiles from ear to ear. I knew immediately I needed this. I had stopped singing when I stopped attending church and I missed it terribly. That fall, September of 1993, I joined. I sang with Singing Out! until I moved to Victoria where I was quickly enfolded into Musaic, the gay, lesbian and allies chorus there.

For a long time I thought the reason I sang in Singing Out was so no other youth would ever feel the loneliness, isolation and shame that I had felt. That putting myself "out there" meant they would have role models and glimpses of the positive, happy and fulfilled future that is possible for them. I've come to realize that that is a nice outcome but not really the true reason I sing in queer choruses. My true reason is the ability to stand as a gay man with no shame and create a beautiful thing, a sound, with people I love. Doing this expresses who I am. And who I am includes all the pain and the trials of my youth. Knowing this actually makes all that pain worth it.

That's also what this congregation does for me. Here I am challenged to grow, in positive, inclusive, and loving ways. Here I feel I don't need to be anything but myself: who I was; who I am now; and who I am to become. You have proven this to me over and over again. And I thank you all.

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