Unitarian Universalist Humour

HOW MANY OF THE FOLLOWING DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Anglicans - 8	One to call the electrician and 7 to say how much they liked the old one better
Charismatics - 1	Only one. Hands are already in the air
Lutherans	Change ?!?!?!?!?!
Mennonites - 15	At least 15; 1 to change the bulb and 3 or 4 committees to approve the change... Oh, and a casserole
Mormons - 5	One man to change the bulb and 4 wives to tell him how to do it
Pentecostals - 10	One to change the bulb and 9 to pray against the spirit of darkness
Presbyterians - None	God has predestined when the lights will go on and off
Roman Catholics - None	They use candles
Unitarians	We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence

The Universalists believed that God was too good to damn people, while the Unitarians believed that they were too good to be damned.

A UU meeting must seem strange to outsiders. A person will speak and says nothing. Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees.

During religious education, the teacher asks a little girl, "Can you tell us what happened on Easter Sunday?" The little girl of course knows the answer. "Jesus rolled back the stone, walked outside and saw his shadow, so we have six more weeks of winter."

After the secular humanists came along, we said that UUs believe in One God - at Most. Now, what with the 6th Source and the pagans, we say that UUs believe in One God - More or Less.

Why can't UUs sing very well in choirs?
Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse.

"I know my humor is outrageous when it makes the Unitarians so mad they burn
a question mark on my front lawn." -- Lenny Bruce

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee

I am The Very Model of a Modern Unitarian

Dana Worsnop's Elevator Story

The Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!....."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures.
The teacher asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?"
"I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply.
"But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher.
"They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done."

A little Unitarian Universalist girl was sitting on the curb in front of her house with a sad look on her face. An older lady happened upon her and asked her why she looked so sad. The girl replied, "My kitty cat died."

The older woman, trying to be helpful, said to the little girl, "I know you're sad, but right now your kitty cat is with Jesus."

The girl crinkled her nose for a second and replied, "What would Jesus want with a dead cat?"

A Unitarian Universalist died, and to his surprise discovered that there was indeed an afterlife. The angel in charge of these things told him, "Because you were an unbeliever and a doubter and a skeptic, you will be sent to Hell for all eternity -- which, in your case, conists of a place where no one will disagree with you ever again!

A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "and our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

Seems there is a guy who saves for twenty years to buy his dream car. He finally shells out a fortune for a brand-new, high-horsepower Lamborghini. Recognizing the deeply felt significance of realizing his lifelong dream, he drives over to a nearby Catholic Church and knocks on the parsonage door. "Father, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, my son, " replies the priest, "but what's a Lamborghini?" "Sorry to have troubled you father - I just have a feeling you're not the right man for the job."

So he drives to a nearby synagogue and repeats the question: "Rabbi, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, "replies the rabbi, "but what's a Lamborghini." "Gosh, rabbi, I guess maybe you're not the right person for this job either."

So he drives to his local UU meeting house and finds the minister. "I was wondering whether you would be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly," replies the UU minister, "I'd love to have one myself, but what's a 'blessing'?"

Q: Why is a Unitarian Universalist congregation like granola?
A: When you take away all the fruits and and all the nuts, all you have left is flakes!

A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one.

His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get out!" cries the shocked priest.

Next stop is Southern Baptist where the seeker is told he would have to learn Bible verses, swear belief in the the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy sprinklin'"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows, asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.

Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?" "That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"

Fellow goes to a UU service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it. "Darndest church I ever went to," he replies, "the only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs."

A rabbi, a UU minister, and a Wiccan priestess decide to go on a fishing trip together. They go down to their local lake, rent a boat, and go out on to the lake for a day of fishing.

As the afternoon approached, the trio became hungry - and realized that they had left their lunches on the shore of the lake.

The minister got out of the boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch, walked back, and sat down ... beginning to eat his lunch.

"You should have gotten all of our lunches!", scolds the priestess. She then gets up, walks across the lake, picks up her lunch as well as the Rabbi's, walks back across the lake, and sits down ... handing the rabbi his afternoon meal.

The rabbi at this point is almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with shock. Finally, he manages to sputter.. "Wha.. what... how did you...?"

The minister grins at the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you think we should tell him about the rocks?"

The priestess looks at the minister, raises an eyebrow, and replies "... what rocks?"

Why did the UU cross the road?
To support the chicken in its search for its own path.

A Hindu, a Jew, and a Unitarian were traveling one night in the midst of nowhere, and the weather turned bad. They started looking for shelter, and found a farmhouse. They knocked on the door and were greeted by a gentleman who understood their plight.

"You're welcome here, fellas. In fact, I have a guest room upstairs. But there's only room for two to sleep up there. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. That's not a problem, though, because the barn is warm and I just put a fresh bed of hay out there."

So the Hindu, the Jew, and the Unitarian decided to draw straws to see who would sleep in the barn. The Hindu came up short, and he picked up the pillow and blanket the farmer had provided and went out to the barn.

The Jew and the Unitarian were getting ready for bed when a knock came on the bedroom door. It was the Hindu, and he said, "Fellas, I'm upset. There's a cow in the barn, and I know he's being bred for slaughter. That just doesn't sit well with my faith."

Since the Jew had drawn the next shorter straw, he volunteered to sleep in the barn instead, and he picked up the blanket and pillow and went out. The Hindu and Unitarian were about to climb into bed when another knock came at the door.

It was the Jew. "Fellas, I'm sorry, but there's a pig out there, and knowing my dietary restrictions and the fact that that pig is obviously being bred for market, I just can't stay out there."

So the Unitarian said, "That's okay. I'll go out. I should have volunteered in the first place, knowing your concerns." So he picked up the blanket and pillow and headed to the barn.

The Hindu and the Jew were just about to turn out the light when another knock came at the door.

It was the cow and the pig...

A UU walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for 9 yards of material. The clerk says "What are you going to make?" and the UU says "I'm making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband." The clerk says "But 9 yards is way too much material for a nightgown." The UU says "I know, but my husband would rather seek than find."

"Honey, it`s time to get up and get dressed for church!"
"I don't want to go to church. I don't think the people like me, and I don't like them. Give me two reasons why I should go to church!"
"Well, for one, it's good for you. And second, you're the pastor!"

A UU minister sees a child out in front of a house in the neighborhood she drives through on her way to church, with a sign "Adorable kittens -- FREE." The next day, the minister notices the child out in front of a neighborhood church with a sign saying: "Adorable Methodist Kittens -- FREE." A couple of days later, the kid is posted in front of the synagogue with a sign: "Adorable Jewish Kittens -- Free." So the Minister isn't surprised when, the next Sunday the child is in front of the church she serves with a sign promising "Adorable Unitarian Universalist kittens." "Now really," she tells the child, "they are adorable kittens, but I have a problem with your advertising. I've seen your kittens change their religion every day for a week. Why do you think I'll believe that these are UU kittens now, all of a sudden?" "Well," said the child, "Now they have their eyes open."

Q: What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
A: All dressed up with no place to go.

How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist?
You can't; they already know it all.

Now I'll tell you a real story that happened in our Sunday school. The Kindergarten class was discussing "prayer", and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with "amen." Does anyone know what "amen" means, the teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, "send"

(from the First Unitarian Church of Albuquerque, New Mexico)

UUs are basically good people, who, for the most part, try to live by the 10 suggestions.

Have you heard the latest UU miracle?
Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.

What did the UU who was studying Zen ask the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

There was a UU minister who was giving a sermon on the annual pledge drive:
"The sermon on the amount."

A visitor to a Unitarian Universalist church sat through the sermon with growing incredulity at the heretical ideas being spouted. After the sermon a UU asked the visitor, "So how did you like it?"

"I can't believe half the things that minister said!" sputtered the visitor in outrage.

"Oh, good -- then you'll fit right in!"

Conversation overheard:

Person A (Mainstream Protestant Denomination): I hear that you allow all sorts of weirdos in your church. Atheists, Buddhists, Pagans...

Person B (Unitarian Universalist): We allow Christians too -- we're very open minded!.

What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness?
Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason.

A young Unitarian was visiting a Christian church when the pastor asked if she were saved. She whispered, "In my church, we aren't allowed to get lost."

"The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian."
- Col. Sherman Potter, M.A.S.H 4077